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Searching for reasons to live. Seeking inspiration for life.
When I was little I used to be really scared of thunder. I thought my parents were fearless as it never affected them. Eventually I had to give myself the pep talk, telling myself that thunder ain’t got nothing on me. Like many things as you get older in life, my fear in thunder subsided. And I understood how my parents could go about without the worry of such.
I actually do not mind thunderstorms now, they elicit an excitement in me and I enjoy watching for lighting.
These are the sounds and sights my soul aches to be.
long has it been since the sounds of peace pitter patter on the roof of a home still empty. languidly, sleep hushes over the contrast of reality and the time ticks ticks and ticks. but in a frozen fashion, everything is still, it is mum, it is a mere moment of forgotten calling to the world beyond four walls.
a ceasefire exists in the passing nostalgia. concord the sentiment of longing, the desire to love the loss now a distant dream that the slumbering heart would only know. there is a good place now, it is here in this stretch surrounded by good folks and good hopes.
forgotten is the overlooked malevolence of those who prey with a front of altruism. not all go forth in life with the best intention for others. but it is this optimism that through the end of the day, there is the betterment of self for the achievement of bettering the greater good. wished for is the humanity that wholesomely lives, that wholeheartedly understands and accepts, and that willfully unite as a whole.
what dare drifts are the promises of the future. dandling in between each delicate finger, a grasp of a new life is within reach but only with an open hand and an open mind. goodbyes to old habits are as difficult as swaying against perpetual tides. buried should not be the reminders of desensitized pain, the drowning of individuality, the countless visions of a dawning day. always what lies ahead are better days.
found in simple silences are traces of precious attachment. perhaps gone asunder but never far from what was felt. a soft calm ebbing years ahead. from the traces of tea leaves to the on-look of familiar places, the admiration of resilience and respect, the devotion of honesty and humankind. found will be the warmth from within, found will it be from another again.
beautiful is the day after the storm. may there be as many of those days as there are the drops of soothing sounds.
I found myself at depression again but I refuse to sink. I have never been one to allow emotions to play out in an open field. Nor do I let turmoil and tribulation go further than the own comfort of my silent battles. There has been so much that has been experienced and endured that I wish could be expressed. But it literally can be summed up with both a smile and a sigh. And yet left unresolved with sleep.
Truly these past damn eight months have been a trial to both my strife and success. Where I stand now is not satisfactory (but when am I ever?) to my standards however given the shit I’ve pulled off and gone through, hell yeah gold star to me. But even so, there is such a long road to go. And too often I overlook how far I have come.
I suppose these are the great precipices of young adult life. I understand now the tragedy of throwing away life, especially at a young age. I would have been ashes had I ever acted on the daily thoughts of death once upon a time ago. What then would have been made of me? My character, my accomplishments? My dreams and my future?
I remember helplessly lying on the ground years ago, tear-stricken face and a heavy heart telling myself repeatedly that I had to live. For the sake of others. For those who also suffered in silence and solitude. I wanted to be that person who proved salvation was possible.
And here I am. Still breathing, still dealing with the same issues, still striving for the better, but undeniably stronger and still god damn hoping (what is with hope anyway?).
Despite depression and despite defeats, I can proudly defend that life does get better and that destruction should not damper that potential. Potential in fact has become my favorite theme. The notion itself is powerful if the realization is made that there is more, that there is possibility, and that there is progress.
Without a doubt however, I have faced problems and too many weak moments unaccounted for. I am not entirely proud of myself. For plenty of things. Even now, as I linger to the past, and my apathy grows, and I yearn for what was, and drown myself in an unhealthy haze, I am without a doubt faltering in every unpalpable manner.
I have spread myself thin and burnt myself out. Overseeing three organizations, working part time, and being a full time student? I am not super woman, but I wish I was with all of this upon my shoulders. And I know I know better, but it is the same pep talk I give myself every time to assure my own sanity. But if it was not for sleep, I would not have any to begin with. The sheer pressure to be this person that many look to in a certain image, to be the relied upon, and to uphold all these responsibilities, it is daunting and tremendously exhausting.
But honestly though, if I could drop everything, I would. As the saying goes, I have done what I can with the time that I had with all that was around me. Albeit, not to the best that it could have been but there lies far bigger things. I know I am limited in my own awareness and knowledge but I am cognizant that everything in the world itself is on a much larger scheme of things. There are plenty of pressing issues that should be addressed, made aware of, worked on, etc but most are unknown to the average person. And there goes me wanting to save whatever that is humanity or the world or I don’t even know more.
I just find myself struggling far too much. At the age of twenty, I had my first gray hair. As both amusing and alerting of a surprise it was, I would like to actually enrich my life not ensure a faster trip to the other side. It is nothing short of not being able to save myself. But this time, I know there are better methods to dealing with all of this. And funny enough, it deals with people. Process and progress is what is happening and it is all bittersweet.
Blessed, burdened, but not beaten with the beautiful mess that is life.